Why You Know “Abduction” Sucks Without Watching The Movie

Abduction sucked.

And I didn’t even watch the movie.

How can I know for sure?  Well you know that saying, “never judge a book by its cover”?  Well that may be true with books, but with movies, you can usually take a good look at a film’s poster and trailer and have a pretty solid feeling if the movie is going to suck.  Now I have been thrown off a couple of times and surprised in different occasions like Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, but that perception of the film changed when the trailer came out.  Something interesting was planted into that movie.  Unfortunately for Abduction, ever since the start of their marketing campaign, you knew, yep, this movie was going to suck.

First Notion of Sucking:  1.  The marketing campaign is focused on the actor’s face, not the movie. 

Wow, no movie has ever surpassed the “this movie is not very good, but we have a good looking actor” marketing scheme than Abduction.  Literally, Taylor Lautner’s face is implanted into every poster and the best part about all the posters is that it’s his face with no facial expressions…just like his acting.  If you google images, “Abduction poster” all you see is Taylor Lautner’s face.

"Look at me world, I'm an actor."

Tells me a lot about the movie?  Yeah, it sucks.  Obviously, the marketers thought they had absolutely nothing else to sell besides the fact that Lautner can bring in the bucks, so little girls and confused boys can come and watch this without selling one bit of the movie a la Charlie St. Cloud.  Now one may say, wait a minute, they do this with a lot of other films with actors like George Clooney, Brad Pitt, etc. etc.  Yes, that is sometimes case.  But let me ask you this, when was the last time George Clooney or Brad Pitt was in a bad film?  Do you rely on the marketing to show you if you should spend the money to go watch it?  Not at all, well at least on my part.  Let me tell you this, if a teeny bopper celebrity is the face of a major motion picture, that should tell you a decent amount of where the film is probably heading.  But that is not always the case, unless…

Second Notion of Sucking:  All Star Cast, All Star Director, Lame Lead Actor.  

This may be a post hating on Taylor Lautner, but come on, he is a terrible actor.  TERRIBLE.  Every movie he’s in from Valentine’s Day to the PG True Blood films, he does  not act any differently.  His mannerisms, his facial expressions (he has the same angry face in every angry scene he’s in…) and his tone/delivering of lines is just disgustingly awful.  Nightmarishly horrifying.  Adverb upon adjective.  It’s just plain out bad.  I mean, his “talent” doesn’t just stay within movies, but into terrible television shows.

But when a bad actor stars in a movie, that doesn’t always lead to a bad movie.  Examples:

Vin Diesel – Boiler Room
Paul Walker – Joy Ride
Tyrese Gibson-Baby Boy
All The Asians-Gran Torino

But what goes further along with my theory is that when they attached Taylor Lautner with the lead with a no-name screenwriter, the heads at Lionsgate must’ve told themselves, “okay, we have a terrible actor and a bad script, but the actor can sell some tickets.  We need to solidify this movie with good supporting actors and a well known director, so we can at least sell it to the public that this film isn’t that bad.”  Well, there comes Sigourney Weaver, Alfred Molina, Jason Isaacs and Maria Bello.  Between all four of them, they have 5 Oscar nominations and are all considered pretty respectable actors in Hollywood.  Then you add John Singleton who created such well regarded films like Boyz N The Hood, Baby Boy and Four Brothers.  And here’s my problem with this entire group.  None of them should be here.  Sigourney Weaver is either doing A James Cameron film or nothing at all.  Maria Bello is a well-renown actress who is in quality movies, but here, she plays a parent that dies early in the movie (we see this in the trailer which we will see very soon).  Jason Isaacs, who is head of the Malfoy family in the Harry Potter films, is the counterpart parent who also dies (I’m sorry for anyone who is heartbroken that I spoiled this film…).  Alfred Molina is also legit, but clearly all of these actors wanted to just cash in for one week’s worth of shooting for a film that will not be attached to their own acting legacy.  John Singleton is not an action film director, hence 2 Fast 2 Furious.  But of course, let’s get this guy so we can look like we made a legit film.  Fine.

Third Notion of Sucking:  A Terrible Trailer

Oh my goodness.  I saw this trailer so many times that played in front of summer films, and every time I saw this stupid trailer, I wanted to punch myself.  From the extremely fake house explosion scene to Taylor Lautner running around in a Pittsburgh Pirates jersey (foreshadow of this film sucking?) looking like a James Bond wannabe.  I’m pretty sure they took every action scene in this film and put it in this trailer just so someone can watch this pile of werewolf crap…  (I can feel the quality of my writing getting worse and worse talking about this movie).  But that’s not the most obvious tell that this movie sucks.  What is?

“But inside, I feel like I’m a stranger in my own life” – 0:21
“Why would my picture, end up on a missing person’s website?” – 0:38
“Suddenly, everyone around me is dying.” – 1:08
“What’s my real name?” – 1:20
“What’s my real name? – in audio replay” – 1:21
“Not unless I find you first.” – 1:32
“Whoever these people are, whatever they want…I have to stop them.” – 1:42

So is it true?  Did Abduction really suck?


Abduction sucks.  And I didn’t even have to pay $9 to find this out.  Thanks Taylor Lautner and friends.


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